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I just got back from jogging. I’m amazed to write this fact. I believe it could have been many years since I last did so. Yet I recently discovered that I have somewhat raised cholesterol, and the recommendation was to do sweaty exercise frequently.

This is the first time in my existence that my motivation to work out has been my physical health. In my youth, I exercised because I wanted to slim down. At times I ran to cure nervousness – It was an avoidance tactic from the worry, not addressing it. On other occasions, I ran because I wanted to get better with jogging. This was the definition to me then to develop an improved existence.

Exercising with new motivation at present got me thinking about the methods I’ve interacted with my physical self throughout my life and its transformation as I progress from youth to midlife. I don’t think I’ve respected my own body, not deep down. I’ve appreciated it solely for its roles and the purposes it served me: seeking approval; escaping emotions; running a faster five kilometers. Previously, I hadn’t realized that my body is me, it is my existence, as opposed to a tool for outcomes.

Much has been discussed over the centuries about the separation between body and mind – a topic you will be relieved to know, I won’t summarize here. What has struck me most compelling is Sigmund Freud’s view that mind and body are innately connected from the beginning, because physical maturation demands psychological development and conversely. The newborn’s physical sensations – such as the corporeal experience of hunger – motivate consciousness to develop the capacity to identify hunger as an emotion that can be sated by nourishment; and the psychological solace and fulfillment repeatedly brought by feed after feed nourishes the child’s mind just as the nutrition sustains them physically. So too emotional occurrences – for instance the urge to get up and attain a goal, and the persistence to persist through effort – are why and how muscles grow stronger. Starting at birth, our body and mind are interconnected in mutual development as integrated as a spiral.

Yet I have noticed, in sessions with my analyst, that mental and physical aspects can be in a distinct connection – one less integrated and somewhat abusive. My consciousness can use my physique to retain and display things that my mind views unacceptable or intolerable. During therapy it emerged that exist specific feelings that I fear I cannot bear; instead of feeling these in my mind, I subconsciously push them into bodily form, where they get stuck as bodily signs.

I used to get digestive discomfort – not connected to food intake, but was a form of physical reflux of the harsher emotions I failed to handle mentally. This was not an intentional act, but after it was introduced into my consciousness in sessions, and my dread and vulnerability and anger and panic became palpable and put into words rather than changed into corporeal symptoms, it vanished. It’s uncommon for me with digestive issues today.

The toughest period I had this intense reflux, I was unable to sleep for many nights straight. I believed I was losing my mind. I went a general practitioner, who arranged all sorts of diagnostic procedures, but no issues were found corporally problematic. It was a different physician who told me that the root might be mental. My therapist did not disagree. I was surprised, but I also knew it was correct.

Whenever someone endures a physical symptom, they can be offended upon hearing that there might be a psychological cause. It can seem like disrespect, hearing that their symptom is imagined. Naturally it’s a real phenomenon – individuals may experience their symptoms dismissed or incorrectly identified. Yet occasionally it might be that the corporeal issues exist – no question – and the source is emotional, the unconscious utilizing the body to express some pain or anger or whichever sentiment the mind cannot tolerate. Sometimes, we might assume our feelings is only valid only through expression as bodily symptoms. We often undervalue our minds on a personal level, as a society and culturally; why else do we accept the terrible elimination of psychodynamic psychotherapy on the NHS?

Life lessons have taught me that a superior lifestyle cannot be created if we remain trapped unawares in patterns of interaction, within ourselves and with others, that are rooted in disrespect, manipulation and transaction. Such patterns tend to be simpler to spot “in the world” in broader culture. It’s perhaps harder to think about how they got out there, and to see these patterns inside us and in intimate connections, in the economy of our minds.

However it’s valuable to continue. After donning my running shoes again after such a long decade, heading out not to get a better body, or to get rid of a feeling, or to beat a personal best, {it